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The lovebirds trailer reaction mashup. The love birds full movie. The lovebirds trailer 2020. The lovebirds movie cast. The lovebirds trailer. All i see is Date Night with Tina Fey & Steve Carell. The lovebirds trailer issa rae. The lovebirds turkish soap. The love birds song. The lovebirds actress rae. Love birds trailer. The lovebirds release date. The lovebirds san diego. So, with the holidays coming up, everyone is thinking about how fat and miserable they’ll feel by the New Year. You know how it goes. It starts innocently with a fun size Snickers bar, or two…or five while loading up the treat bucket. Then the kids go trick-or-treating and you suddenly have a boatload of delicious, potentially razor-blade stuffed goodies that MUST be inspected for safety. “Oh look…Skittles. I’m gonna taste the rainbow... ” Then comes pre-Thanksgiving. That’s right, I said “pre. ” This is the time when everyone is shaking the rust off their mediocre baking skills and suddenly the office is inundated with peanut butter fudge, rum balls, and peanut brittle. Damn I love peanut brittle. “Just one more piece. Just break off a small one. Oops. Didn’t break off, and now I’ve touched the entire chunk. I have to eat it. Frank’s grandmother baked all of this and she’s really old. It could be her last holiday season ya know. This brittle can’t go to waste! ” Then, Thanksgiving at the office. Catered, and loaded with all the goodies. “Oh no. We’ve accidentally ordered 72 extra pies. We’ll just leave them in the break room and they’ll get eaten. ” And you know they will… Then it’s the real Thanksgiving, and suddenly it’s ancient Rome again, with the whole family participating in a nonstop binge and purge cycle, or just taking a dump and coming back to the table to reload. Pre-Christmas, Christmas, New Year’s parties, Football games. The list goes on. And then comes self-loathing. The misery, the belly shaking in the mirror and firm resolve to get your fat ass on a diet…Monday. Just cheat through the weekend and start fresh. I mean…it’s only Wednesday now, but who can start a diet on Wednesday? No one, that’s who. So there we were…already up to September and approaching the holiday glut at breakneck speed. After much discussion amongst my peers we decided to get a head start on the holidays and drop some weight BEFORE the madness begins. Then if we gain it all back, we end up ok for the year. No more guilt, shame, and negative self-talk. It all evened out. So we went for it. It was time to do this. A WEIGHT LOSS CONTEST. And here we are, a few weeks into this thing. It’s me (Andrea), Morgan from the Collections Department, Kim from Shipping and Receiving, my I. T. Department cubicle neighbors Jim and Tanner, and Peggy from…I don’t know where. I’m not sure what Peggy’s actual job is, but she sits close enough to me that I can hear pretty much everything she does. And you know what Peggy does seemingly endlessly? Eat. That girl is ALWAYS shoving something down her gullet. I can’t even tell you how many times I hear a chip bag opening or cellophane crinkling as she opens snack cakes and God knows what else. She’s a big girl, and one of those giggly types, laughing at her own comments. She reminds me of a younger version of the school secretary in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Her day is seemingly spent taking personal phone calls and giving attitude to anyone who approaches her with something work related. I swear, it’s like her only reason to be here is to eat and scroll through her facebook feed. She’s just plain annoying, and I’m looking forward to taking her $50. 00. That’s the game. 50 bucks each, into a pool with the winner taking all. We do pounds lost, calculated as a percentage of bodyweight lost. Here are the starting numbers. Me – 167lbs Morgan – 186lbs Kim – 152lbs Jim – 244lbs Tanner – 192lbs Peggy – 376lbs…and counting. I bet her scale moves up nonstop, kinda like the power meter outside my house. So, I’ve been chronicling this whole adventure and something is up. Everyone was moving along, but Peggy was CRUSHING it. We were totally getting our asses handed to us…but now, something has changed. Something has gone wrong **. I kept a log for a few weeks, so let me share some of the highlights with you then we’ll pick back up with the current situation. ** Diet contest log – Week 1, 9/16/19 to 9/20/19 -Monday – We did our initial weigh-in today. Peggy came in at 376 pounds. I knew there was no way she would stand a chance with her eating habits. No stinking way. Then at the end of the day I heard her telling someone on the phone that she had already lost 3lbs? WTF? I heard cellophane crinkling all day and watched her grating half a pound of cheese over a plate of home fries from the greasy burger place down the street. There’s only one explanation for this…she must have taken a humongous dump sometime before getting back on that scale. -Tuesday – I’m hungry. Morgan’s hungry. Everyone is hungry. I hear the munching sounds of kale salads, raw broccoli and carrots, and the tops popping off of low sodium soup cans. The microwave is alive with Healthy Choice frozen meals, and the soda machine gently weeps. Peggy’s cubicle got TWO deliveries via GrubHub. The first was Chinese, and a couple hours later some cupcakes—half a dozen, to be exact-- from a gourmet place across town. Then another hour later, I heard her tear open a sleeve of Ritz crackers. How did I know they were Ritz? How do you know the sound of your own children’s voices? Exactly. -Wednesday- I hit the scale this morning. I’m down 2. 2lbs. I know it’s just water weight at this point, but it’s encouraging. The way Peggy’s eating, she’s screwed. Morgan is down 2 also, Kim is down 1, Tanner has dropped 3lbs, and Jim is UP 2lbs. Poor Jim…he loves beer. Holy shit. Peggy and Kim just came back from the scales. Peggy has dropped another 6lbs! What the hell!!?? How is this even happening? Maybe she has a tape worm. Where does one get a tapeworm anyway? Asking for a friend… -Thursday- Peggy is killing me. This behavior will have to catch up to her soon. Just wrapped up a large meat lover’s pizza all by herself, a couple hours after a Grubhub delivery of a full pancake and sausage breakfast with biscuits and gravy on the side. I don’t even know where the hell she’s putting all this food! Wow. Just wow. I literally right this moment am listening to her peel back the cover on a full size bag of double stuffed Oreos. I know that creepy sound anywhere…because I love Oreos more than life. -Friday- This is insanity. Peggy and her witness just came back from the scale. Down another 6lbs. That’s FIFTEEN pounds lost this week, in 4. 5 days. It’s no lie. I literally can see her clothes loosening up. She’s shrinking. On a related note, she’s been burning incense in her cubicle. I really don’t mind the smell, as it reminds me of this hippie guy I dated in college and he was always a sweetheart…although his bathing habits needed work. Anyway…she’s burning the incense and I could SWEAR I’m hearing her whisper-praying, or chanting or something. Maybe I’m losing my mind. Who knows? Diet contest log – Week 2, 9/23/19 to 9/27/19 -Monday- We’re at the second week. Here is where everyone stands coming off of the weekend. Me -4lbs Morgan -3lbs Kim -2lbs Tanner -3lbs, so no change from Friday. I think he had a family get-together on Saturday and cheated a bit. Jim +1lbs…which means he lost a pound over the weekend, but it was one of the pounds he gained AFTER the contest started. Still, progress is progress, right? Peggy -21lbs Yeah. TWENTY-ONE POUNDS. That’s not a typo. She lost an additional 6 over the weekend! I don’t even know what to say here. I’m just at a loss for words. We’ve been quietly whispering about it amongst ourselves. When Peggy went to the bathroom, Morgan searched her cubicle and purse for diet pills. Nothing. The only thing out of the ordinary is that incense burner and some kind of little rag doll thing that bears a creepy resemblance to Peggy. It’s a chubby little thing just like its owner, but Peggy’s got rubber bands around it, squeezing it into a smaller size. Weird. Tuesday -Peggy’s dietary onslaught continues. She pounded a burger from a place downtown that is so big you get a t-shirt just for finishing it. I’m sure there’s no shirt available that will fit her. She even ate the fries and drank a milkshake. I’m just waiting for her to throw up right there in her cubicle. -Ok it’s 20 minutes later now and she’s got the Oreo’s out again! WHERE IS ALL THIS FOOD GOING? - It’s 2:00pm and Kim and I just got back from our daily walk to burn off some calories. I’m sure I was totally overloaded with energy to burn after a lunch of two and a half celery sticks and a tablespoon of peanut butter. Anyway…we walked behind the building, and halfway down the alley was Peggy, bent over with her suspiciously shrinking ass in the air and her head in the passenger side window of a ratty looking black station wagon. We hopped back quickly and cautiously peeked around the corner of the building to see what she was up to. We figured it was just GrubHub, but no…she pulled some cash from her pocket, reached into the car, and when her hand came back out it had a brown paper lunch bag with some kind of writing on it in a language I didn’t recognize. She went back into the building as the shady station wagon slowly creeped down the alley, and we quickly finished our lap to get back to the office. Kim snuck around behind Peggy and snapped some pictures of what she was taking out of the bag. I kid you not, it was one of those little things you put in a bowl of water and it grows huge. I used to have a few, like a little alligator the size of a Hot Wheels car that grew about six inches long after being submerged. They were pretty fun, but this was no alligator…it was Peggy. A VERY tiny Peggy. We walked by her cubicle after she went home for the day and there it was, sitting in a bowl of water and already swelling up. This is really getting weird. Wednesday Ok, so around 10:00am Peggy went out to the front door of the office to meet the GrubHub guy bringing her brunch, so we took a look at the little Peggy in the bowl. It had grown tremendously. This was a full size glass mixing bowl and that thing had swollen so much that the arms and legs were hanging over the sides, slowly dripping the slimy water onto the desk. As a comparison, I would say it’s about the size of a catcher’s mitt. I saw Peggy a short while later in the bathroom and she was dumping the bowl of water into the sink. She looked at me and immediately lowered her eyes and hurried back out into the hallway. She’s definitely up to something… Peggy also hit the scale this afternoon and was down another 10 POUNDS. TEN pounds since Monday morning??? So now she’s at 31lbs lost in about ten days. Wow. **I was on vacation time Thursday and Friday, so this log begins week three of the weight loss contest. ** Diet contest log – Week 3, 9/30/19 to 10/4/19 Monday -I came in early today to do some snooping. The Peggy rag doll was still on the desk, and it was wrapped so tightly in rubber bands that it could get no smaller. Now it was just laying off to the side, looking discarded. The real attraction was still the little Peggy water swelling thing. It had been lying on the desk since Wednesday, so over the course of almost five days it had shrunk by about 15%. I don’t recall my toys lasting that long in the shrinking process, but it’s 25 years later now so I’m sure shrinking alligator technology has improved a bit. -At 9:13am, someone walked by me and went to Peggy’s cubicle and started rustling around. It’s not normal to see strangers around here, so I stood up slightly to get a look. Holy crapola, it was Peggy! Had she not been laying out an army of snacks on her desk, I wouldn’t have even recognized her. She had lost even more weight, and to such a degree that she looked like a different person. She looked up and saw me, and to distract her from realizing I had been spying, I asked how much weight she was down. She made a little grin, then skipped over and grabbed Kim to go be her witness at the scale. I shit you not, she came back with the number. 51. 8lbs. She had lost 51. 8lbs since Wednesday. Let that sink in. She was already down 31lbs, so that put her weight at 345lbs as of Wednesday. So now, she’s down another 51. 8. That puts her at 293. 2. Ok, my 5th grade brain just sent me a Bat Signal, suggesting I do some math on this thing. Peggy was at 345 on Wednesday, and we already established that today she’s down another 51. You know what 51. 8 is? It’s 15% of 345. Please don’t check the math. I’m really shitty at math. That little gelatinous thing on her desk is 15% smaller since Wednesday. And the REAL Peggy is 15% smaller since Wednesday. Uhhh… So, obviously this has become a race for second place, but regardless, here are the end-of-Monday weigh-in results as we start week three. Me -6lbs Morgan -7lbs Kim -3lbs Jim -4lbs Tanner -5lbs Peggy - 82. 8lbs Tuesday -It’s about 1:00pm and Peggy just let out an overly dramatic scream. We all ran over to see what was wrong, and she looked fine. But, she was RED faced like I’ve never seen. I mean very, very angry and almost looked a little scared. She barely calmed down enough to tell us what was going on. Apparently the custodian had thrown away Little Peggy the shrinky thing. She ran out to the dumpster but trash collection had already been and gone. The shrinky thing is gone for good. Peggy ran off in a flurry. Kim followed at a distance and came back to report Peggy was out in the alley on a phone call, and frantic. It was a one sided listen, obviously, but Kim apparently heard her say “I need something else, right now! ” and “I don’t care what it costs! ” Now, at the rate she’s been going this easily could have been a chat with her favorite GrubHub driver, but I believe something a bit more interesting was at play. In the past couple hours since the incident and her subsequent phone call, I haven’t heard Peggy eating. No crinkling wrappers, no Chinese deliveries…nada. What I HAVE heard though, is a LOT of soft chanting and burning some new flavor of incense. Maybe she’s doing some sort of Tony Robbins mantra type shit, building her will to succeed. **SIDE NOTE** -Jim has been spending an awful lot of time at Peggy’s desk the past few days. I guess with her dropping all that weight (and no loose skin. WTF? ) he’s got the hots for her. I’m guessing he wants to jump in there now and hook her in before her self-esteem really ramps up and she starts looking for someone better. Haha. Good plan, Jim. Wednesday Really, things were relatively quiet on the home front today. Jim is still at Peggy’s desk constantly, spittin’ game as best he can. She seems receptive to the attention. Still no eating sounds coming from her desk. Thursday We did a mid-morning weigh-in today. Kim is down another pound. I’m down one more, and Tanner has gained a pound. Morgan and Jim both have dropped three more. Peggy passed on the opportunity. Hmmmm… Around 1:00 I watched Peggy meet that same creepy car again in the alley. She took a big wad of cash out of her purse and again received a mysterious paper bag. I followed her as she returned to her desk, and out came one of those little hula girl bobbles that you put on your car dashboard, but this one had a little solar cell in it so it would hula dance with the power of light. She set it carefully on the desk, whipped up a little incense, did some more chanting, and flicked on the light under her shelf to get the hula girl swaying. Friday -Ok. I’m pissed about how this contest is going. I’ve been working my ass off doing cardio and dieting like a mad woman, and I should be damned proud to be down 7 pounds in three weeks, no? But three other people are kicking the crap out of me and I know for a fact they aren’t working as hard. So, I’ve been doing some real snooping and eavesdropping today. I literally have done none of the work I’m getting paid for. Today was full-on reconnaissance and I’ve followed Peggy every time she gets out of her seat. I’ve been rolling my chair as close as I could to anyone who stops by her desk, and I’ve cupped my hand to my ear constantly in a relentless effort to gather any kind of info I could about what the hell is going on. Well, a whole lot more is going on around here than a silly weight loss contest. Here’s what I’ve found out… Apparently Jim went to Peggy for advice on how to lose more weight. At first she wouldn’t tell him, but her deep desire to have real attention from a man drove her to offer him a deal instead…she tells him how to lose the weight, and in return he becomes her boyfriend. It’s that simple. Jim gets to lose weight as long as he’s satisfying Peggy’s desires for friendship, companionship, romantic gestures, and things I probably don’t want to think about. HOWEVER…Jim’s ex, Sharon, works on the other side of the big room we’re in. And Sharon is a jealous bitch, to put it mildly. At some point she’d taken notice of Jim’s regular visits to see Peggy, so she’s been watching Peggy’s cubicle like a hawk. She’s even gone over there a few times to shoot the breeze, asking Peggy about her diet success, her love life, and how she also has one of those little hula girls on the dashboard of her car. OK…so I spent the afternoon watching Peggy, and what I’m about to tell you now is 100% true. She had been back with the hula girl for a bit, and after a couple hours I looked over and sweat was pouring off her like she was in the middle of a serious workout. Holy crap. If it wasn’t a completely looney thing to say, I would tell you that little hula girl’s swaying was acting as a workout for Peggy’s body. I had to know if this was real or if I was going insane. So, I tried something… When Peggy got up to go dry off a bit, I snuck over to her cubicle and slightly unscrewed the light bulb, making it go dark. When she returned I could hear her cursing under her breath as she flipped the on/off switch back and forth, then the grunts and oofs as she crawled under the desk to check the power cable. She sighed heavily and sat back down. I peeked over at her several times over the course of the next hour and she was dry as a bone. She also looked pissed. When Peggy went to the bathroom again, I snuck back over and tightened the bulb, restoring the light. The hula girl went back at it, and when Peggy arrived back at her desk she let out a squeal of delight. A few minutes later, the sweat was pouring off her again and the sounds of a snack cake wrapper crinkling filled the air. This is nuts. I mean, literally, this is some Voodoo or Santeria kind of shit. I’m pretty unsettled by it, but at least now I know how she’s crushing us so badly in the contest. NOW I know what to do. It may be too late for a full comeback to win the contest for pounds lost, but if the key players were unable to continue for some reason, I still had a chance. Peggy and her cheating ass can shove it where the sun don’t shine. It’s time for a little sabotage. ******************************************************************************************************** Ok, so we’re back to the present. I stopped logging the events of the contest after I discovered the witchcraft Peggy was using to crush us all so badly. Now I’ll tell the rest of the story. After figuring out how Peggy was cheating, I sat and dreamed up ways to use it against her. If I destroyed the hula girl bobble, Peggy would just go get something else from whatever mystic was selling her these items. I couldn’t think of any way to reverse what it was doing either. I tried heading off all Peggy’s Grubhub orders for a few days so she would get frustrated and shut off the hula girl to curb her intense hunger, but those little games weren’t gonna do the job for real. I wanted to put some real weight back on that woman and curb all her bragging and gloating. While I continued to ponder my options, a heated discussion developed between Jim and his ex, Sharon on the other side of the room. I couldn’t make out all the details, but it was clear Sharon was upset about Jim’s budding relationship with Peggy. However, he was holding fast and basically told Sharon to shut her mouth and mind her own business. Sharon stormed out of the room and Jim wandered back over to Peggy’s cubicle to give her the recap of the argument. It was all in hushed tones, but every so often Peggy would giggle or softly clap her hands while laughing, no doubt relishing her victory in the battle for Jim’s affection. The two lovebirds took off outside for a walk. Several minutes later, I caught sight of Sharon headed to our side of the room. I sat low in my chair to keep out of her field of vision, and watched with keen interest as she made her way to Peggy’s cubicle. I couldn’t see what she was doing, but figured Sharon was likely writing Peggy a nasty letter that included things like… “Bitch, he’s mine. ” “Bitch, he still loves me. ” “Bitch, you’re fat and ugly and no one will ever love you. ” You get the idea… So after Sharon left, I cruised on over and took a peek. Nothing was trashed or even disturbed. Peggy’s work papers were stacked neatly, her chips and cookies were half opened just like she left them, and so on and so forth. But much to my extreme level of excitement there was, in-fact, a letter. This is what it said… “Listen bitch. U may as well go ahead an kick Jim to the curb because he don’t love U. He’s just in it for the weight loss. And by the way, thanks for makin’ my man hotter than he already wuz. He told me he’s just gonna work U until he loses all the weight he needs. I don’t kno what U R up to with all that magic shit, but U just keep on givin’ my man the nicknaks or whatever it is U R gettin’ from that black car. Then I’ll come take him from U when I’m good an ready. ” As you can see, Sharon’s grammar could use some work, but this diet contest was really heating up! I shared the juicy gossip with Kim, Morgan and Tanner, and suddenly there was a renewed sense of excitement in the air. There’s nothing better than a love triangle in the office, right? Of course not. So about a week went by without much of anything going on. I kept up with the kale and carrots, Kim and Morgan were taking extra walks, Tanner had all but quit his diet, and Jim was steadily dropping a few pounds a day with the help of a little plug-in voodoo volcano on his desk that just hisses out steam all day. He and Peggy were also getting pretty serious with their PDA and it looked to me like he liked her more than the extent that their agreement stipulated. Sharon was still watching Peggy’s cubicle closely, but she didn’t have the scowls and dirty looks she’d had the previous week. Peggy was losing weight…quickly. She didn’t even bother telling us what was on the scale, but it was clear that her loss had accelerated to a ridiculous level, and after a few days she wasn’t smiling when she came back from weighing-in. She clearly had had enough of the magic, and a few minutes later I heard her flip the light switch that was feeding the hula girl bobble, followed by a sigh of relief. The sweating didn’t stop though. She was still covered in perspiration, which I presumed would mean she was still burning fat rapidly. A day later, she and Jim were quietly discussing the situation and I heard her say she was scared and had decided to trash the hula girl. Apparently the rule was supposed to be as long as the hula had light to shake to and Peggy was within 100 yards of it the magic would do its thing, but trashing it hadn’t helped either. She fished it out of the can and on the way home from work, tossed it off a bridge 20 miles from home. But there she was the next morning…still sweating…still shrinking. She called the mystic who had put the spell on the hula bobble and he told her there was no way it was still working. She should be free of the magic and able to go back to her normal life. But still, she shrunk. Still, she looked worse and worse. Sickly pale, with gaunt cheeks and bony shoulders. Her clothing hung loosely from her body, looking like someone threw a sheet over the back of a chair. And all the eating…all the crunching, chewing, drinking, and face stuffing in the world wasn’t changing anything. As of a week ago she looked to be under 100lbs. That was the last time I saw Peggy. Jim took her to the emergency room a few nights ago, where in utter desperation they told the story of the mystic, the doll, the shrinky thing, and the hula girl bobble. Of course the hospital and police considered it lies told to cover up some horrible truth. Drugs, disease, poisoning, or maybe side effects from too many essential oils. Who knew? As of today she’s in an intensive care unit, clinging to life. The feeding tubes, as you should expect at this point, are doing no good. Her sweating continues, her weight plummets, and she is literally disappearing from this earth. Jim set up a Gofundme page to help with the medical costs. We’ve all chipped in what we can and are sharing it across all social media platforms. Sharon has even jumped in to help. I guess her love for Jim is strong enough to put his needs first, and his need right now is to take care of Peggy. I guess this is how our diet contest ends. Peggy, the winner by a landslide. The cash prize has already been sent straight to the fundraiser page. The money she won by losing the weight is going back to help save her from the effects of losing that weight. What a horrific irony. As I’m finishing writing this little chronicle, I have the Gofundme page up on my other monitor. It has an old picture of Peggy in that classic pose from all the Slim Fast commercials, holding a tiny plate mostly concealed under a big, fat piece of cake. Her mouth in an awkward wide open smile as she’s interrupted by the camera while preparing her face to receive the fork loaded with sugary goodness. Just below that picture there’s a smaller one of Jim and Sharon, the strong, dedicated organizers of this charity who are no doubt radiating positivity and hope in Peggy’s presence. Despite this, their faces show that awkward sympathy smile, where the mouth is working hard to distract the viewer from the sadness behind the eyes. The two of them are standing in front of the hospital with their backs to Peggy’s room. I can tell this because the window has “Get well Peggy! ” and “Peggy strong! ” posters plastered all over it. As I’m typing this, I can see there’s something else in the window…it’s the reflection of Sharon’s car. And still something else…something smaller. What IS that?? I’m using all the capabilities of my phone’s zoom now, but I see it. A hula girl bobble. I think I mentioned Sharon saying a few weeks back that she had one just like Peggy’s. Holy she switch it out? That would explain everything. She parks close to the building at work, well within the 100 yard range of Peggy’s hula girl’s magic. Plus, she’s been parking outside Peggy’s room at the hospital. For god’s sake, Sharon lives in the same apartment complex as Peggy! If that’s Peggy’s hula girl then it’s been working on her 24 hours a day! Could Sharon really do something like this? I think I have to tell someone…but who? Who would believe this craziness? Maybe I can go get the hula from Sharon’s car. If it’s locked, I’ll smash the glass. I don’t care. I have to go try! Oh my god. I just got a text from Kim. It’s too late. Peggy passed away 15 minutes ago. I don’t know what else to say here. If you pray, please send one up for her wispy thin soul. And if you’d like to donate to help with her funeral expenses, just search for her on Gofundme. And please, please don’t go visit a mystic when you need help with something like this. Do it the old fashioned way. Celery and peanut butter.
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